I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize