Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My dick has a subreddit
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
