I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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