I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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