Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
