you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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