I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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