How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
