I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
