dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just found puke in my bra..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
