this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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