Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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