i already hear my dad disowning me
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
