Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
