Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
