WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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