Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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