I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
