I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
