Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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