I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
