There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
