Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
