That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
