haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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