I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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