Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
