Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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