Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize