If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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