the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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