hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
