Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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