she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I supernannyed him into submission
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
