I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
