I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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