A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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