Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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