he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
