I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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