dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize