he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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