drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
