I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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