Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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