Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
