Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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