I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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