There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
