someone threw a dead crab at me
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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