she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
