You just made me feel so damn special
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
