seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
