Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
