i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I need to calm my uterus...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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